As spring and summer arrive, we dust out shelves, clear out clutter and spruce up our homes. With all this attention to our surroundings, it’s little surprise that we barely take time to do some decluttering on the inside. You know, sweep away those negative emotions that throw us for a loop. Too often we’re busy with the practicalities of the day to analyze the abstractions.
But unresolved negative emotions can result in poor health, broken relationships and unfulfilled dreams. Here, we show you how to cleanse five toxic emotions and get back to feeling centered.
Anger
What’s the score? “Anger has different faces, frustration, self pity,” says Dr. James Miklos of the New Hope Counselling Centre in Ontario. “It can be slow simmering thoughts on the back burner.” Other factors that may trigger temper tantrums include having unreasonable expectations, feeling you can’t control what’s happening in your life, or wounded pride. Everyone feels emotions such as anger at some point. However, emotions become toxic when you can’t let them go; they’re as much a part of you as your hairstyle or stride.
The fallout: It’s no coincidence feelings are often explained physiologically — “My blood was boiling,” or “I was about to explode.” Emotions spring from thoughts in the brain, which trigger bodily responses — explaining how posture, tone of voice and facial expression can reveal our emotions — it's the mind-body connection at work. “With anger, for instance, you’re actually wearing your body down, because you’re pumping adrenaline through it,” says Miklos, “It creates undue stress on your body; you’re in a hyper-alert mode, constantly tense.”
And constant tension can lead to a slew of health problems, from back pain, to change in appetite, extreme fatigue, anxiety and ulcers. Anger also narrows your perspective, which makes you impossible to reason with. Not exactly a fun ride for the people in your life. Beyond desiring to dodge any direct hits, people simply won’t want to get stuck under that cloud of fury that surrounds you.
What to do? A good first step to take is to remove yourself from the situation, if possible. If your friend always nitpicks about your home and it’s driving you up your newly faux-finished walls, invite her over less — go for walks in the park together or dine at her place instead.
If you can’t escape a particular situation that’s increasing your ire, like your job or a nightmare neighbor, get moving. “Physical exercise is good because you’re cleansing your body,” says Miklos. “Endorphins and dopamine [produced during exercise] make you feel better so you can handle challenges better.” Meditation and prayer can also help you cope. Miklos states that people who pray daily and meditate claim they feel calmer, more confident and relaxed.
Of course, few emotions are resolved overnight. So if anger has been your companion for a while, you may want to speak to a professional. According to Miklos, emotions are tied to core beliefs, which are early life experiences that influence how we respond. Therapy can help resolve core beliefs, opening up new ways of resolving toxic emotions and reactions.
Envy
What’s the score? Everyone comments on your sister-in-law’s beauty and her meticulous home. Everyone, but you. Deep inside you feel that other people’s achievements or gifts are personal slights against you. “Envy involves resenting the goods…talents…that other people possess,” writes Daniel Goleman in Healing Emotions: Conversations with the Dalai Lama on Mindfulness, Emotions and Health. The seed of envy is a sense of not measuring up, of not being “as worthy.” It’s also inextricably tied to competitiveness.
The fallout: Short, intermittent envy is pretty ordinary, not good, but ordinary. Your colleague gets a coveted project you wanted, or your brother is having his third child and you and your partner are still trying…these are likely to stir your green-eyed monster for a brief period. But if your envy causes you to badmouth your colleague or constantly deride your brother’s parenting, well you’ve got a few issues. Envy is also an emptying emotion — even if you were to acquire what you envied in someone else, you’d likely start feeling envious about something else. It’s a bottomless pit.
What to do: It won’t be easy, but try to befriend the person you resent. According to Rabbi Nilton Bonder, author of The Kabbalah of Envy, “all envy springs from a ‘short-circuit’ of love.” Let your colleague know she can count on you if she needs help with the project. Or, try learning from the person you envy, if what she has is really important to you. If you want that showcase home, ask your sister-in-law her secret. Also, stop looking outside for validation. Instead, pinpoint five or six things that make you unique and start appreciating them.
Fear
What’s the score? We all feel fear in myriad situations, from the time we’re born, to perhaps our last breath. It’s a primary emotion — often a first reaction to some stimuli like a snake or the dark. And it can also be a good thing, for instance as a flight mechanism from a fire or attacker. But fear’s also a secondary emotion — a learned reaction. For instance, if you’ve faced heartbreak before, thoughts of being hurt or disappointed may give you cold feet when it comes to committing to someone else. In this case, fear’s tied to a core belief.
The fallout: In its less harmful form fear can disappear as quickly as it appeared. But the chronic variety can create anxiety, social paralysis (like not wanting to take chances or try something new), or lead to anger or hatred. As Miklos sums it up: “Fear makes you totally counterproductive.”
What to do: Fear is talking to you all the time. A key to drowning it out may lie in simply talking back. “Positive self talk is a part of cognitive behavioural therapy,” says Miklos. “It builds up immunity against fear, making you able to talk yourself out of it. When we think something and speak it, our minds shift and our bodies respond.” Positive self talk also helps build courage. As Mark Twain once said: “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear.”
Hatred
What’s the score? When you hate someone you’re basically saying you have such a strong aversion to this person, you’d gladly welcome some horrible fate to meet them. You’ve likely taken a quality about that person as an affront to your own values, or maybe they bring to the surface some of your own insecurities. So you avoid them, you gossip about them and try to help others into hating them too. Hatred is tied to both fear and anger.
The fallout: You’re likely doing more harm to yourself than to the object of your hatred. “Anytime we hate somebody, we have obsessive thinking about them. We’re allowing that person or the image of that person to control our lives. Sometimes to the point where some people can’t work,” says Miklos. According to him, in its passive form, fear may cause you to ignore or avoid the person you hate. But, the aggressive kind can lead to physically harming the person. Hatred also carries with it physical side effects, such as cardiovascular problems, high blood pressure, ulcers and headaches.
What to do: The first step is to pay attention to how much time you’re spending thinking about the other person, Miklos suggests. If thoughts are becoming obsessive, you need to get a little perspective. Forgiveness may help. “Fred Luskin wrote in Forgive for Good that it’s not about forgetting what the other person did, but rather, it’s a gift you give yourself,” says Miklos. If you’re harboring thoughts of doing some ill deed, however, you may want to speak to a counsellor to get to the root of your feelings.
Guilt
What’s the score? After your son reminded you for weeks of the date and time for his next soccer game, you still don’t make it. He’s upset and you’re welling up with guilt. It’s the sense that you’re responsible for something bad happening, for letting others down, or that to some degree, you’re to blame for someone else’s problem. Guilt is tied to our cultural values of right and wrong and can be a moral compass. If you’re a perfectionist or have low self esteem, you’re probably more prone to experiencing it.
The fallout: Brief guilt over a specific act isn’t toxic. But recurring, or long-lasting guilt can eat you up inside. It can lead to depression, anxiety, a sense of worthlessness, leading to negative internal dialogue like “I’m a bad mother for missing Matt’s soccer game.” A specific act suddenly becomes a blanket indictment of you as a parent, daughter, colleague, or friend.
What to do: Try to forgive yourself and focus on the things you do well. Really accept that sometimes you will make mistakes, and that you can’t be all things to everyone. Also, you’ll need to learn how to lovingly set some boundaries, which will take time, and may mean facing resentment from several people in your life. It’s a slow process, so navigate it with patience. If an underlying cause is to blame — like low self-esteem or perfectionism — a therapist can, through various methods of therapy, help you to resolve those issues.
